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Internet Interview
Many have been frazzled these past few years at the diminishing quality of internet service we Clarkson students have received. Kevin goes straight to the top man to find out why in this exciting interview.
Internet Interview
Kevin ? How aware are you that the entire student body agrees that the internet here at Clarkson sucks?

High Ranking Clarkson Official ? We haven?t received any e-mails.

K - It doesn?t bother you that maybe you haven?t received any e-mails because there is a problem with the internet? Not to mention you can?t exactly complain if the internet is down...

HRCO ? I find that the students commonly find ways of sending messages outside that of cyber-space. For instance I had fruit thrown at my window just yesterday because it was Tuesday.

K ? You know, generally people don?t throw fruit because it?s Tuesday. Maybe they were throwing the fruit because they have no faith in your ability to provide decent internet.

HRCO ? No, I doubt it.

K ? Well, anyway, are you aware that Clarkson has the slowest internet of any tech school in the state, and probably the country?

HRCO ? You can?t judge an internet just by it?s speed, there?s a level of quality we here at Clarkson must uphold. How?s the saying go? ?Defy Clarkson??

K ? No, it?s ?Defy Conviction?... or something like that. Anyway, what exactly is a higher quality internet? Last time I checked there was the one internet that everybody accessed.

HRCO ? That?s where you are wrong, our T-bone line delivers only the highest quality internet around. For every few strings of data that comes through, we bounce them around and send them to different locations. Occasionally they smack into each other and the weaker data is thrown into a pit of snakes.

K ? You know, that sounds like you just described data collision...

HRCO ? Hardly. Data collision doesn?t involve a pit of snakes. What are you, stupid?

K ? Oh. Well tell me more about the wires you currently use to bring us the internet... you said you had a T1 line? Is that like fiber optics?

HRCO ? No, no. We have a T-bone line. By using a discount through Aramark and the Grill-Works, we can supply you with internet for a fraction of the cost, and its completely organic. Not to mention, a T-bone line sounds a lot like that thing your Clarkson hockey fans are always saying... what is it... bonesaw?

K ? Hold on a second there, I can?t allow you to compare bonesaw to our internet. If our internet was like bonesaw, it would be so fast that you would reach the web page you wanted before you typed it in, and when it hit your computer it would break through your monitor and slam you into the wall.

HRCO - Listen, the fact of the matter is, internet costs money. If I could go to the store and buy internet in bulk for a discount I would, but it just doesn?t work like that.

K ? Well... actually I think it does work like that. Besides, you?ll be receiving a check in the mail from me for about $40,000 soon. I?m pretty sure an upgrade isn't that far out of your reach.

HRCO ? Well, that shows how little you know about the internet. Every extra cubit of internet costs twice as much as the last cubit. That?s like a billion dollars.

K ? I don?t think this interview is really working out. Before I leave to go download some movies at modem speeds, where exactly did you learn to deal with providing internet?

HRCO ? Oh, I went to Clarkson back in the 60?s.

K ? You know... the internet came out in the 80?s.... right?

HRCO ? You know I never thought of it that way. Kinda makes you wonder how I was ever qualified to do this. Oh well.

K ? Right... see ya. *begins to walk away*

HRCO ? Bye! ...Be sure not to Bit Torrent anything! ...If you do we?ll call upon the power of Satan!

K - *running away*
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