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World News
BREAKING NEWS: 8LB, 6OZ BABY BORN IN UPSTATE NY
A humongous baby-monster, weighing in at 8 pounds, 6 ounces, was born at the Regional Medical Center of Madrid, NY, to parents Jonathan and Patricia Smith. The two are reportedly ?very happy? with the birth, which had ?no known medical side effects.? The baby, Roger, is ?very healthy? and the doctor, whose had a mole on his forehead that looked a lot like the baby Jesus (which is fitting for this miracle worker who pulled such a massive beast through Patricia?s dime-sized cervix), said ?I don?t understand why you?re here.?

Furthermore, the baby will have its own room in the family's suburban ranch home, and certainly, the financial strain of baby food alone will place the Smiths at least twenty dollars into debt. Fortunately, Patricia?s breasts have swelled to twice their normal size; the baby will suckle on her nipples in some bizarre feeding ritual known only by Native American tribes. ?I was breastfed, and so was Jonathan. It?s not that big of a deal.? she said.

TOP STORY: NOSTRADAMUS PREDICTION REVEALED
A recently discovered letter from the great prophet reveals that, in his final hours, Nostradamus predicted that one day people would use computers for all communication and that the Internet would revolutionize the world as we know it. Here is a direct quote from the letter:

?The ? human(s) ? will ? use ? [computers] and the ? [Internet].?

Scientists expect humans to start using the Internet for a communication revolution any day now. What grand predictions will we dig out from Nostradamus's tomb next?

CELEBRITY LOWDOWN: WHO IS SLEEPING WITH WHOM?
The rumor-mill is buzzing with reports that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes hooked up last night in his Los Angeles townhouse. Holmes, seven months pregnant with his child, was whisked away by Cruise in a car of some sort, possibly a limousine or fire truck. You heard it here first: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are having sex!


SCOOP OF THE CENTURY: BIGFOOT SPOTTED AT SUBURBAN MOVIE COMPLEX
Bigfoot, the mythical giant human-eating beast of Western United States legend and lore, was spotted watching the movie The Family Stone at the Regal Cinema complex in a Chicago suburb by two teenage boys under the influence of marijuana. According to the eyewitnesses, the gigantic man-monster, who stands at 6?2? tall and weighs probably 270 pounds, towered over everyone in the movie theater except for one guy who was really really tall. He sports a beard of some kind and a neatly-trimmed mustache. Furthermore, he consumed an entire bucket of popcorn and jumbo tub of cola while watching the film. Only a truly monstrous heathen that evolution forgot could eat such amazing quantities of food in such a short span of time.

Our sources report that he was ?touched? by the movie?s soft, sensitive humor and dramatic, heart-warming finale. The Family Stone, directed by the award-winning Thomas Bezucha, offers a star-studded cast that features Sarah Jessica-Parker, Luke Wilson, Rachel McAdams, and that guy who played Coach on the hit television sitcom Coach. Jonathan Anderson of the Waterloo Daily Gazette said that The Family Stone ?is the feel-good hit of the Christmas season? and that it ?is truly a movie that Christians, Jews, and Satanists could enjoy together.?

This segment sponsored by 20th Century Fox and Fandango, whose spokesman Sinbad says: ?Ya?ll brothas best be buyin? yo tickets online!?

Join us next week for another exciting edition of Sensational World News Happenings Worldwide, where you?ll learn about the current exploits of baseball superstar Darryl Strawberry ? is he taking drugs?
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