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Summer Festival
What's happening in Potsdam while you're at home? Something VERY EXCITING, I guess.
Summer Festival
The Potsam Summer Festival: Day One

Since I?m taking summer classes at the mysterious place known simply (and exclusively to people who attend, work at, or wake up in a dumpster near Clarkson) as ?State,? I?ve decided to participate in the annual townie ritual known as the "Summer Festival."

Today, July 6th, 2006, is Day One of this historic event. What makes this year?s Summer Festival even more spectacular and star-spangled than previous years' festivities is that 2006 marks the Village of Potsdam?s two-hundredth birthday, and also the two-hundredth birthday of a really old man. Here?s a run-down of the day's events:

Sidewalk Sales: Local store managers participated in the WAY LOW DISCOUNT MADNESS by pushing a cart of old crap out into the street. Would you like to buy a promotional movie poster for blockbuster hit ?The Stepford Wives?? Good, because there?s about a hundred of them somewhere.

Norwood Brass Fireman?s Band: There were like fifty people in the brass section and I just hope that no one accidentally left their Yankee Candle collection burning near their propane tank collection because we all know how distracted firemen get when they?re playing ?Tequila? with a fourteen piece trumpet section.

The Lion?s Club Tour de Potsdam 5K Run/Walk: For some reason they decided to ?Tour? the residential area near my apartment and so I had to sit in my Saturn as a lot of people walked in front of me. Why people were so angry that I honked my horn and yelled obscenities while throwing eight year old burned CDs from the popular band ?Fear Factory? at them is beyond me.

Comedian Dick Coffman: This stunning event took place at the Elk?s Lodge. Now I don?t know what it takes to be considered a ?comedian? these days but Comedian Dick Coffman is out there working tirelessly every day to expand that definition to include ?guys who never tell jokes? and ?people who don?t sing well who try to do impersonations of singers and actors who are old or dead.? Comedian Dick Coffman?s signature move, however, came at the end of the show, with a ten minute medley celebrating both Jesus and America, which has to be some sort of record. This amazing one-two knockout punch of both the number one deity and the number one nation has only been challenged in its sheer splendor by that one Thomas Kinkade painting/collectable plate that shows Jesus ascending to Heaven while wrapped in an American flag and I think there are eagles soaring by majestically in the distance.

The worst part of Comedian Dick Coffman?s act was that I sat near the front, which was a bad idea for two reasons: first, because I could not escape the torment, and second, because I was often the butt of his languid attempts to ?engage the audience.? Comedian Dick Coffman, however, did have a wide variety of hats that he tried valiantly to impress me with, and for that reason alone I nearly bought one of the ?twelve or so? Comedian Dick Coffman Cassette Tapes after the show so I could take Comedian Dick Coffman home with me and even though I don?t have a cassette player and haven?t since sometime near my birth I sit here now imaging the hours I could have spent holding the magnetic tape close to my ear, spinning it about in it?s plastic coffin. Unfortunately, I was distracted by the scent of freedom and didn?t make it over to the merchandise fold-out chair.

Join me tomorrow when I visit the ?Potsdam Friends of the Library Book Sale? and the ?Northern Symphonic Winds,? who decided to hold their concert in a room with acoustics so powerful that the sound waves from a stray hiccup have the power to shatter glass used in NASA?s space shuttle fleet.

The Potsdam Summer Festival: Day Two

Things have simply been lit ablaze here in Potsdam since my last update on Day One of the Potsdam Summer Festival. In the wake of Comedian Dick Coffman's amazing show, the Potsdam Summer Festival has only become more and more fantastical, with unicorns jumping around all over the place and panda bears straight from the Orient all up in my grill and there were even special appearances by television personality Mark L. Walberg and former Transformer Hot Rod. I simply have so much to say about all the wonderful events that I attended that I don?t even know if I can type down all the words before I explode from all the excitement and pixie dust shoots all over the place.

The Friends of Potsdam Library Book Sale: I had a lovely time at this event, where I purchased a copy of Ben Okri?s famed novel The Famished Road and a collection of short stories by John Cheever at low discount prices.

Fireworks: were shot off somewhere near my apartment, and I heard them but I couldn?t see them. Sigh. I mean, I was really looking forward to them all year, but I guess it?s not worth crying about still.

Unfortunately those are all of the events that I was able to attend because of a freak accident during my blood pressure screening at the Kinney?s Drug Store Health Fair. Luckily, the kind doctors at the Canton-Potsdam Hospital were able to reattach my severed limb and they say that my brain functionality will return fully within the next ten years or so. I am especially disappointed to have missed the ?Porcelain figurine show commemorating Potsdam?s Bicentennial,? simply because I have absolutely no idea what you would make out of porcelain to celebrate Potsdam?s Bicentennial. Now, if they had a porcelain figurine show commemorating Regis Philbin ? well, let?s just say that no amount of blood loss would have stopped me from missing that.

Tomorrow I?ll be covering the Jazzercise Demonstration, the Fireman?s Parade Run to the River, and Fly Casting Demos with Damon Rods. Will the excitement ever cease?

The Potsdam Summer Festival: Day Three

According to my girlfriend, there was some sort of blimp flying around that was purple, but I couldn't see it, and I was forced to ask: why is there a blimp in Potsdam?

I think we should all step back, take a deep breath, and ponder that very quandary and ignore the fact that I didn't attend any of the events and have no motivation to make anything up about them.
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