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You aren't an Engineer
Ever feel like you just aren't cut out to become an Engineer? Well, so has Kevin...
You aren't an Engineer
Every Engineering student who graces Clarkson's fine campus with their nerdy presence will inevitably be faced with the dilemma of realizing that they are in no way cut out to be an engineer. Now many people would tell you that such a dilemma can be solved by switching over to business, but we should keep in mind that Satan has too many lesser demons as it is. Let us first deal with your initial response and then we can move towards your future.

Your first reaction, quite naturally, is to kill your roommate. Once noting that he has already lost his life to playing World of Warcraft all day long your anger will subside and you will put down the knife. Once you have had your fill of pills and/or Nyquil your depression will bring you to a state where you may attempt to kill yourself. Many students will have hallucinations of force vectors cutting into their wrists while various math and physics professors sing ?Oh What a Night?. The real trick to getting beyond this phase (what I refer to as the ?Emo Stage?) is to forget that you suck at math and chemistry and remember what you are good at: nothing else.

With that wonderful reminder that you have no people skills you are finally beginning the healing process (what I refer to as the ?Binge Eating Stage?). Since you couldn?t sleep, it is now ten in the morning and none of your friends are on AIM, so you head on over to Ro-Bro and discover that they actually serve breakfast. Getting some more coffee and sitting down you look across at the kitchen and see two guys who must be about 30 putting something new into the deep fryer. You notice their sweat-soaked skin and their stained aprons. You note they must perpetually smell like grease and by now they probably like it.

Going back to your dorm you can?t get the image of those cooks out of your mind and you begin to feel sick, so sick that your mind no longer cares about your lack of engineering skill and now is focused on not becoming one of them. This is the turning point that reminds you that being a Clarkson Engineer isn?t about being successful, it?s about having a diploma lie for you during an interview so you can weed out that guy from state who was accepted to MIT but couldn?t afford it. The truth of the matter is that those greasy slobs in the kitchen have business and liberal arts degrees and are therefore bad people.

So my final piece of advice is this: stick it out and get a 2.0 GPA so you can go on to have a job where you work far too long and never see your family, who you probably beat anyway after your long night of drinking and hookers, which only came about because your boss gave you yet another task that an 8th grader could do and yet for some reason you had to sit through 4 (or 5) years of school just to say ?yeah I could do that? and then go off and do it for 60 years straight and end up in a nursing home where your kids never visit and you can?t pronounce ?jello? so they just bring you more carrots but it turns out okay because you already forgot what you ordered and then you die having accomplished just about nothing except furthering this world to its demise since your tireless work led to the continued production of enough greenhouse gasses to send global warming ahead of schedule by 50 years and then everybody has to live in the arctic where it?s 80 degrees out but of course that?s ridiculous because you learned that when the polar ice caps melt it will throw off the ocean currents and cause another ice age and you spend all day wondering why an engineer learned that anyway.
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