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How to Teach Math
10 easy tips to teach a better math class at your school.
How to Teach Math
1. No calculators. Those pesky devices practically do the math for you. The students will thank you when calculators are banned in 2015 by the neo-fascist government.

2. Talk in a monotone. Since math is such a fun subject, there is no need to spice up the class with vocal inflection of any kind. In fact, talk very quietly into the chalkboard at all times.

3. Assign plenty of Homework. You?ll find that students don?t have much in the way of social lives what with their ?internet chats? and all. They are practically begging to do the same kind of problem over and over again so give them what they crave!

4. Have quizzes on Friday. Nothing puts a smile on a students face faster than having a quiz right before a big break. In fact make quizzes worth double. They can also be harder since they?ll have so much time to relieve the stress during their break.

5. Long proofs. Never just give the students the quick way to solve a math problem until after they?ve done the long and tedious way 70 times in last night?s homework. Then don?t let them use the quick way on the quiz.

6. Choose good numbers. In an example don?t pick the velocity to be 45, make it something better like 666. Then make sure your diagrams resemble demonic symbols and/or swastikas.

7. No Note sheets for Exams. If you still want to let the students have something, let them have an index card of notes. They?ll try to squeeze their notes onto the card in microscopic handwriting and waste their test time trying to read what they put on there. This teaches the important lesson of memorizing formulas since ?you won?t have a note sheet in the real world.?

8. Make your chalk squeak. The horrible high-pitched squeal of your chalk will keep your students from falling asleep. Writing a 1 with your chalk perpendicular to the board does this beautifully. Or consider the possibilities of making whole graphs using the same technique.

9. Don?t teach all the material. Students can?t possibly expect you, the teacher, to cover the entire subject so be sure to have them read long chapters of the textbook every night in the hope that they stumble across that small section that your next quiz will cover. Don?t give any hints now, that would make it too easy if they knew what to expect.

10. Curve Exams. I don?t mean curve them up if everyone does bad, I mean curve them down if they all somehow do well. If the students do poorly on an exam it is because they are stupid, not because you didn?t teach the subject right.

- Professor Kevin
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