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Conventions Defied Report Card
Each year, as mandated by the Board of Trustees, the performance of Clarkson officials is reviewed internally to insure conventions are being properly defied at all levels.This is an excerpt from the report card issued at the end of the 2006-2007 academic year.
Conventions Defied Report Card
Since 1857, Clarkson University has upheld the notion that conventions exist to be defied, and that through defying conventions comes innovation. For example, Thomas S. Clarkson and a rowdy gang of Cheels and Snells defied convention when they founded a technical university in the middle of nowhere. Each year, as mandated by the Board of Trustees, the performance of Clarkson officials is reviewed internally to insure conventions are being properly defied at all levels. This is an excerpt from the report card issued at the end of the 2006-2007 academic year.

Convention
Defied?
Explanation
Using our ample funds and technical prowess to combine the Knight Card and the student ID into one easy-to-use card, thus joining the elite ranks of Ivy League universities, government spy shows, and most jails.
Yes!
Clarkson students should experience the benefits offered by having two cards that control your personal identity. Note that in the unfortunate circumstance that either card is lost, there is a small reissuing fee. $50 for the Student ID; $50 for the Knight Card.
Internet service is essential for research and entertainment in the modern world; as a technical university, our students should have a fast, stable connection to the Internet at all times.
Yes!
Clarkson prepares students for the real world, where people who are unqualified for their positions control your life forever. A real simulation of this lesson runs 24/7 in the OIT office, affecting all students on campus! This is called ?Distance Learning.?
College students are routinely forced to eat horrible food at an exorbitant price.
No.
If one does the math (thanks Dr. Fowler!) students pay roughly $50 for each cookie from Ro-Bro. Unfortunately, that cookie is also laced with arsenic.
Scaling fines for punishments based upon the severity of the crime and how many students are affected.
Yes!
All students pay... uh... 50 bucks whether they lose their key or blow up the Holcroft House.
Students are allowed to live off-campus after a specified period of on-campus residency.
Yes!
Students are locked in steel cages if they attempt to escape. The basement of Old Snell serves as a great holding area.
Creating safe walkways with proper drainage in order to prevent student accidents.
Yes!
Our very own ?death trail,? replete with fake blue light, runs from the Pit to the back of Moore! Also serves as a student concussion machine during the icy months.

Pleased with their assessment, _____ ______ and other high-ranking Clarkson officials rewarded themselves with a semester-long vacation to Africa, where they will hunt elephants to harvest ivory. This ivory will be used to build a new building on campus, featuring a gigantic area for people to stand around in, four classrooms in the shape of L?s, and a storage shed for lawn mowers. That?s convention? defied!

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