Child psychologists fully realize that oversized, fuzzy television puppets have a strong influence over young children. With obesity, overeating, and matted blue fur epidemics spreading rapidly among America's precious children, most fingers point at Sesame Street?s Cookie Monster as the Muppet to blame.

The blogosphere has erupted with outrage and nerdy, drooling speech impediments at the prospect of Cookie Monster giving up his sweets and changing his moniker to ?Veggie Monster.? However, I?d like to propose several further changes to Sesame Street characters in order to address other contemporary issues that children face every day.

• Gigantism Bird ? The secretion of excessive growth hormones during the formative stages of his development left Gigantism Bird feeling freakish. Unfortunately, tens of ones of children are affected by gigantism every decade. Rather than poach him for his sweet, delicious meat, viewers may instead watch as Gigantism Bird hobbles around and maybe learn something about triumph over adversity. There is no known cure for gigantism, although I?ve heard that ?legal giants? will represent YOU if you have been unfairly treated or have recently been in an accident of some kind that involves dung beetles or glacial landforms.



• Count von Engineer ? Hey white male children, are you good at math? Yes? Then you should do something exciting with your life, like become an engineer! Watch Count von Engineer, who has impressed entrepreneurs, businessmen, tycoons and barons alike with his numerical abilities, work for companies like NASA, AT&T, Lockheed Martin, and the Gonzalez family (as their babysitter). Take your mathematical skills to the max as Count von Engineer shows you just how far math can take you in life (hint: probably the moon or maybe even space!).



• Grover, Internet Entrepreneur ? The Internet is the future, and the future is now! That?s what Grover, famous Internet Entrepreneur, told me. Grover owns and operates GroverNET eFood from the comfort of his own computer desktop; businesses under the GroverNET eFood moniker include Oranges.com, Apples.com, Hamburgers.com, Muffins.com, and more! Watch out, Jeff Bezos! GroverNET eFood is one of the fastest growing Internet conglomerates on Sesame Street. Just last month he doubled his customer base from his mother to that blue guy who sits in the restaurant. Make sure you get in on the initial stock offering and you?ll be living on easy street!



• Oscar the Crazy Hobo ? Hobos are a menace that latchkey children and inner-city thugs deal with on a daily basis. Oscar the Crazy Hobo provides viewers with a close-up, inside scoop on what makes the crazy hobo tick, how to identify a crazy hobo, and what to do if a crazy hobo starts washing your car with saliva and newspapers or requests that you urinate into a straw hat.


There are vast improvements that can be made to the Sesame Street universe to adequately alleviate the growing negative trends sprouting amongst our youth in the grand old U.S. of A. Parents, remember well that with these changes implemented, your child will know just what to do when a crazy green hobo puppet pops out of a trashcan. It could happen, anytime, anywhere, even in your own neighborhood. The blame for obesity, hobo-related deaths and dot-com crashes lies with this show and its producers; it?s time to rectify these mistakes and teach our children about the real world.
January 10, 2006